Are you a good decision-maker? I hope you are better than me. Because, frankly, I’m sh*t at it.

I’m someone who looks around for an adultier adult to tell me it’s okay. It doesn’t really matter what the thing is. It could be a major decision, like whether to take a new job offer (like there’s many of those knocking around when you’re over 50!), or just which bread to buy in Tescos.

“Should I start this?”
“Is this allowed?”
“Will people think I’m weird?”
“Can someone please just pat me on the head and say, ‘Yes! go forth and be brilliant’?”

Hi. I’m Sara. Neurodivergent, empath, lifelong people-pleaser, and an external validation addict.

In this post I want to talk about permission; the kind I’ve spent 55 years outsourcing to someone – anyone – better equipped than me at making decisions.

Why Do People-Pleasers Crave Permission?

If, like me, you grew up with hypervigilance as your constant companion, you’ll know the feeling of not only seeking, but needing, external approval. You’ve got used to scanning for the emotional temperature of a room like a human barometer, so you wait for:

• The nod from someone you deem to have suitable ‘authority’
• Someone to say, “that’s a great idea!”
• A simple “I believe in you”

Because if someone else approves of your plan, then it must be a good choice, right? There’s safety in someone else’s validation. It means you can’t possibly get it “wrong”. I guess for me it’s also a sign of being stuck in freeze mode. A gift from a tricky childhood where uncertainty was a frequent visitor and security often felt like a pipe dream.

When you carry those patterns into adult life you’re at best outsourcing your autonomy and at worst… well…. outsourcing your entire life.

And if you’re neurodivergent, the need for external approval can feel even louder. I don’t know about you, but I find it hard to trust myself. I wrote a whole post about my magically vanishing self-trust.

I remember once chatting to my ex boss about a swimming challenge I’d seen advertised. I went into great detail about it while he sat there, his eyes slowly glazing over. Then after he’d waited a lifetime for a gap in my monologue, he looked at me and said “well then, you should do it”.

At that point I’m not sure the idea of taking part had even fully formed in my own brain, but no matter, I found myself nodding in agreement. The very next morning before work I was in that pool doing laps like a woman possessed. All because he’d told me I should do it. Bizarre, right?

The Exhaustion of Waiting for Approval

The thing about living for external validation is that you end up building your life around everyone else’s opinions, and that can get truly exhausting.

The worst of it is, you lose yourself every time you ask for permission.

• You silence your instinct.
• You stop trusting your ideas.
• You stop taking risks that could lead to something amazing.

Meanwhile, everyone else is getting on with their lives, one decision at a time without all that exhausting overthinking. Those people you’re waiting for permission from? They’re not giving you a moment’s thought. They’re too busy living. And so should you be.

The Moment That Changed Everything

Since being made redundant a year ago, my whole life has been thrown into chaos. Or at least it feels like it. Every decision, from selling up and downsizing, to starting a business, and relocating to a new area, has felt one-directional, irreversible even. I think that’s why I place so much value on making the ‘right’ choice. In reality, the only thing irreversible is death. For everything else it’s just consequences.

When I found myself Googling the heck out of ‘should I leave my marriage’ I realised it was time to stop. Just STOP for god’s sake. As if the internet is my personal concierge? WTF! Even my best friend who’s known me since I was two couldn’t possibly answer that question.

It finally dawned on me that the only person on this entire planet who could make that decision was me.

So what if no one is ever coming to give me permission?
Maybe I’m the one who’s supposed to hand it to myself.

It’s a Skill, This Self-Permission Thing

Here’s what I’ve started practising;

1. Check in with myself first

“Do I like this idea?”
“Does this feel exciting for me?”

Usually I can feel the weight of a potentially bad decision in my body, even if my logical brain is trying to override it. My stomach muscles tense. My jaw locks. My body is trying to tell me something, and I just need to listen.

2. Notice discomfort and do it anyway

Sometimes self-permission feels hard. Sometimes though, you just need to learn to let go and do the thing. Like I said – the only thing truly irreversible in life is death. So you may as well give it a go and see what happens.

3. Replace ‘should I?’ with ‘I choose to.’

Try it. The energy shift is wild.

Your Permission Slip is Already Signed

You don’t need to earn it.
You don’t need to wait for it.
You don’t need someone wiser or older or more “together” to give it to you.

The revelatory, life-affirming, awesome news is actually really simple:

You’re allowed to do the thing you want to do.
You’re allowed to trust yourself.
You’re allowed to choose yourself.

Go on, I dare you to try it!

Much love,

Sara x