I have a confession: It’s never taken much to send me into a downward emotional spiral fuelled by rejection; real or perceived. From being picked last for the school netball team, to a heartfelt WhatsApp to a friend that went unanswered – and everything in between.

If you read last week’s post documenting the major (and 100% real) rejections I’ve experienced in my 55 years on the planet, you’ll perhaps understand why my self esteem is – shall we say – a little fragile?

But, at some point during this past very wobbly year since I lost my 30 year sales & marketing career and basically had my life turned upside-down, I’ve realised those moments weren’t evidence I was fundamentally unlovable; they were just echoes from a life story that, although mine, was no longer serving me. And once I understood I was running my present and future on old stories, things began to shift…a little.

But a little is all you need.

This post is about how I started rebuilding my self-worth after a lifetime of both tiny and epic-sized rejections, and how you can start doing the same.

It all started way back in the womb….

As I wrote about in last week’s post, I pretty much marinated in rejection from the womb.

Mum was 44, peri-menopausal, and absolutely not expecting me to pop along, waving my chubby little fists in the air and disrupting her post-child-rearing life. After my appearance, there was an on-off cycle of trauma bingo to contend with. What with her postpartum psychosis and my foster care that almost ended in permanent adoption had my dad not put his foot down at the last minute, it wasn’t the best of starts.

Fast forward a couple of decades…throw in a husband who vanished when I was mired in my own peak post-partum vulnerability, a second marriage running on fumes, then top it all off with 2024’s redundancy at the age of 54, and you have a full-on midlife reinvention on your hands.

The moment I realised I might not be the (entire) problem

Ok, I lied; of course there isn’t just one defining moment that made me think I might not be the whole problem [and yes of course, my reactions to rejection were understandable, given my chequered background]. But what if I’d somehow got stuck in an old pattern that no longer served me? For like…. 50+ years? They say that awareness is the first step to change, and for the first time I realised something profound:

“What if this feeling isn’t actual truth? What if it’s just an old pattern firing in my brain?”

That’s it. That was the breakthrough.

Although hardly revolutionary in terms of psychology, in all my years of circling round and round the nagging feeling that there was something wrong with me, this was the first time I’d questioned the connection between my feelings and my reality.

Here’s what actually helped me stop the negative spiral (and might help you too)

1. Pause & Check
   Before I let my automatic emotional response kick in, I now at least try to put the brakes on by tapping into the power of my logical brain and asking:

• What are the facts? (e.g. a friend didn’t reply to my message.)
• What’s the story I’m telling myself? (They hate me. I’m too much. I’ve overshared, again.)

This tiny pause does two things: gives me the space to notice the drama, and lets me keep the promises I make to myself, even if the promise is just “I’ll just pause before I panic.” Those micro-promises stack up over time and can change the way you think.

2. Change the script

I’m not one for toxic positivity, but catastrophic thinking isn’t the one either. Instead, I practice giving my in-built emotional responses a mini-break.

• Instead of: “They’re ignoring me because they hate me.”
• Try: “Maybe they’re busy. Let’s wait for actual information.”

This is also where speaking to yourself like you’d speak to a friend becomes useful. If you wouldn’t say it to someone you love, don’t say it to yourself. Tiny rephrases can change the soundtrack in your head over time. Simple, but effective.

Set micro-boundaries

Oh god! Notboundaries. Yuck! Hold on just a minute neggy nelly!! You don’t have to create high-level drama here; sometimes a simple sentence can stop you spiralling.

• “Tonight doesn’t work for me, but I have some time next week.”
• “I need to think about that; I’ll come back to you tomorrow.”
• “I wasn’t finished speaking.”

Boundaries teach your brain you’re worth protecting, and self-esteem grows when your actions prove your own worth to yourself.

When you constantly say yes, tolerate too much, or swallow your feelings, resentment builds up. Boundaries help foster more honest relationships because when you communicate what works and what doesn’t, you stop pretending. You’re teaching others how to treat you. And you reduce the emotional exhaustion of performing for others against your own judgement. Honesty creates connection, and connection boosts self-worth.

It’s a win-win.

4. Write it down

Every night (ok, ok…when I remember to) I write down three pieces of evidence that I’m not, in fact, unlovable: this can be a small kindness shown by someone, a thoughtful message received, or anything that is about showing my fragile brain hard evidence I’m not a shitty person who deserves to be abandoned. It may sound a bit forced, or even silly, but it works. You’re literally re-teaching your brain what’s true by showing it positive evidence from your daily life.

5. Be a neutral observer

This one’s a bit left-field, but I quite like it. It’s a good one for the over-thinkers among us. Try narrating a tricky scenario as though it was happening to someone else. So for example; “She has received no reply in six hours. She is experiencing mild panic. She is now eating her body-weight in chocolate.” Ridiculous? Yes. Effective? Also yes! This is an effective way to objectify your emotions enough that you can choose what to do next. It creates separation between you and your emotions. You are NOT your emotions here, you are simply observing what’s going on like an interested by-stander.

Some other things you could try:

• Keep your promises to yourself. Start small: five minutes of writing instead of doom-scrolling, drink a glass of water instead of diving into the biscuit barrel, make that important phone call instead of doom-scrolling social media. These tiny wins build self-trust; the foundation for healthy self-esteem.
• Stop outsourcing your worth. Likes, replies, and approval are not your scoreboard. “I can like me even when others don’t.” feels spectacularly icky at first, but (eventually) starts to feel ok.
• Show yourself you can. Whether it’s cooking yourself one half-decent meal a week or finishing a DIY job you started 10 years ago, showing yourself you can be competent and put your needs first breeds self-confidence, and more confidence = greater self-esteem.
• Allow yourself to take up space. Walk into rooms like you belong there and stop apologising for things that aren’t your fault (ok so this one’s tricky if you’re British where it’s a national sport to apologise for everything). You’re teaching your brain that you matter.
• Make choices that align with your values. Even small choices like what you say yes to or who you spend time with, feel like putting yourself first.

So what’s next?

The bad news, especially for those of us blessed with impatience, is that none of this work is quick or glamorous. This is about small, manageable tweaks in your thoughts and actions that build in layers over time.

It’s also important to fully acknowledge a change when it’s become automatic. Going back to basics with awareness being the first step towards change means you need to give yourself credit for making a different decision, or not reacting a certain way. Every time it happens.

This is important evidence for your brain and gives you a solid foundation on which to build further.

A small challenge for you

> Think of one recent micro-rejection that got under your skin. Maybe you over-reacted, or reacted in a way that you always do, but don’t like.

> Choose one of the tools above and take yourself back into the thing that threw you off balance. Re-imagine the scenario in your head using the method you’ve chosen, and see if you can feel how different the outcome could be.

Don’t forget to put it into practice next time it comes up though!

And slowly, slowly, this is how to rebuild self-worth, whether or not you’re in midlife; Not through enormous, earth-shattering reinventions necessarily, but through repeated tiny acts of rewiring.