I’m not sure whether I’ve always been like this, but one thing’s for sure; midlife has brought my struggles with the polar opposites of impulsivity and indecision into sharp focus.

I’ve always thought I’m well attuned to intuition, using it as a handy early warning system for life’s more minor challenges; from navigating friendships to which colour jacket to buy. It’s usually served me well. I’ve dodged a few proverbial bullets because of it, and I’m pretty sure it’s helped me avoid some questionable wardrobe choices as well. So far, so trivial.

Here’s the problem; this ‘guiding light’ seems fade into the background when it comes to making the really big decisions; vanishing faster than an ice cube in a heatwave. You know, the life-changing stuff like whether to leave a relationship, how to make a living after redundancy. The biggies.

It’s like someone turned down the volume on my inner voice. All of a sudden, I find it impossible to pick a path, or stick to it. My default position when this happens is to rely on external opinion. Decision by committee. I’ll survey friends, family, Reddit, TikTok tarots, and even the dog, in the search for the ‘right’ answer. Anything except use my own wonky internal sat nav.

I’ve spent thousands looking for the answers; coaching and courses, basically anything to do with self-discovery or a gentler way to make a living will catch my beady eye. And I’m an absolute sucker for the next ‘get rich quick’ scheme. Spoiler alert: they never work. Most of 2025 has been dedicated to my quest for so-called passive income. What an absolute joke that is. Yes, my books technically qualify as passive products, but let’s not forget the absolute toil of getting them out there in the first place. There are no quick solutions here, despite what the internet gurus would have us believe.

When it comes to the big stuff, I veer wildly between impulsivity (which I’ll tell myself is definitely my intuition speaking this time), and rigid indecision. Fight or flight perhaps? When I’m stuck in the quicksand, external influence takes over from my own sense of what feels right. I’ll listen intently to all advice, often taking it as gospel, when actually, it is only someone else’s opinion, tainted by their mindset, life experiences, personality and whether they’re in a good or bad mood that day. It’s all so fragile. Less than 24 hours later, I’ve usually done a complete 360 and changed my whole outlook and opinion on the thing I was convinced at the time was the right decision. GAAAH!

Honestly though, why would a friend – even a really close one – know what’s right for me when I can’t see or feel it for myself? How can anyone possibly know? Truth is, they can’t and nor can I. As the saying goes, the only certainties in life are death and taxes. The rest is up to us.

When impulsivity reigns, I feel free, wild, maverick. It’s my fuck it moment; one I usually end up regretting when it inevitably impacts my bank account. It’s part of being neurodivergent, I know that. But somehow, knowing this makes it even harder to have an ounce of trust in myself. It’s almost as though intuition was always a wolf in sheep’s clothing.

And when you can’t trust yourself, you end up chasing your tail in a tunnel of indecision. To break that pattern it’s back to straw polls with friends, or even complete strangers. Surely someone must know what I should do with my life? Because, apart from knowing I have to write, it sure as hell isn’t me.

I’m not sure what’s worse; impulsivity or indecision. Both can be equally destructive. Impulsivity at least feels like forward motion, even if it is the wrong kind sometimes. Indecision is something that’s snuck up on me more and more as I face the new challenges midlife has gifted me. I’ve bumbled along for 30 years on the conveyor belt of life. From leaving university, securing my first job and property, to marriage and having children, there’s always been that next logical step to take.

So when redundancy, selling the family home and moving to a new area poked me in my 50-something eye, I realised I was completely untethered for the first time in my life. No guide rails, no training wheels. Just the sheer terror of how to navigate the next (hopefully) decades of my life.

My world has transformed both on a macro and a micro level. At least when I had a job, a house and young kids, I knew where I was, even if I sometimes didn’t like the idea of being ‘stuck’. Now that the kids are adults, I have lost my job and I no longer own property, it feels like I’m running barefoot on jelly. Maybe I just need to get comfortable with being uncomfortable, until such time as my internal radar can reset itself.